Dear old woman who I never knew existed until now,

I am not writing this to rant but because I want to spread a bit of awareness. I never knew you existed until just recently and for someone who I have not seen for over 30 years, you can be very judgmental.  The first time you have seen me, you looked at me so ghastly and said, “No No No. Oh my God! Why are you so fat?.” This was in front of a lot of people. Obviously, you don’t know me too well.

That was one example why I believe wisdom, tact, and maturity does not come with age. I have met a lot of people like you and tried to understand this archaic point of view. So, I jokingly said, “That’s okay, I’m actually very happy.” and that’s when you turned to me and said, “No, you should lose all this weight. Being fat will not make you happy. It’s really bad”. Excuse me for being rude but how dare you but fortunately I have been raised by great parents so I just said, “That’s okay, I’m really happy and I don’t really care what you think” and walked away.

I will probably not see you again until your funeral and the only time I will get to see you is if I’m being dragged by my own parents to pay my respects.

Just so you know, that my size is a size.  Is being fat really the worst thing you can be? Is it worse than being a liar? cheater?

Have you heard of Ashley Graham or Tara Lynn? I bet you don’t.  I also think that you don’t know that plus size has it’s own corner in a lot of department stores and a lot of designers and mainstream clothing line had already embraced the fact that, YES, there are women who are a size 12 or  a 14 or  a 16 and not all can be a size 0 or 2.

Instead of asking, “How are you?” or “So what keeps you busy these days?” or “What’s interesting that you are doing with your life?”, you made a judgement based on appearance and weight. I think you have been living under a rock the past 60 years or you’re just plain stupid.

You don’t know my story or the struggle that I had the past two years. You did not even care to ask what made me who I am today. So, how dare you put someone in a box and expect them to follow your stupid standards.

Let me tell you again that I am happy with the way I am. It might sound defensive but I am happy.  I have fought a lot of darkness to be who I am right now, regardless of my size.

If you had asked the right questions, we might have ended with a great conversation instead of me thinking of ways to avoid talking to you again.

If you had asked then maybe you’d know that I like to paint or go to the beach or discover new things. If you had cared to look way past the body size, then maybe, I could have given you a kiss on the cheek and would have remembered your name instead of  calling you the “old judgmental hag”.

People like you makes the world a bit hard to live in.  People like you who lives in the standards of magazines and the entertainment industry. People like you who can only consider someone beautiful if they are a size 2 or a 4 or a 6. Well, fuck your standards.

Please do me a favor and shut your mouth. I dread the day that you will meet another plus size woman and tell her that she will not be happy if she is fat.  I wish you’d bite your tongue and it bleeds.

Guess what, there are people who are just happy the way they are. I hope you can accept that too.


P.S. Here is a picture to remember me by.  Enjoy the remaining days you have. Do something worthwhile.  🙂







I always believe that the universe will give you something so beautiful, so important, so amazing and it will be easy,spontaneous,and fun. There will be no chasing, no crying, and no confusion. You won’t need to hide it, run from it or keep it a secret. This will not pass you by and it will stay and you will be surprised. You will be certain that this was designd solely for you and it will fit your life like a missing piece. It will be everything you’ve prayed for and more and when it finally comes, it will bring you a certain kind of peace that you have not felt before. The kind of peace that makes you forget the past and what has been or what should have been and what could have been. The timing will be just right. It’s the thing you don’t want but need the most and it will be wonderful. Wait for it. Don’t rush. There is a time for everything in your life. It will knock on your door and when it finally comes, you’ll know.

The Bluest of Blue

Blue is associated with many positive and negative words in psychology but the two that made the most impact  on me this year are the words Trust and Coldness. 

2017 is defined exactly by these two words.

My biggest disappointment is with myself, I did not trust my instinct and paid a price for it. Everyone was saying the same thing, all fingers were pointing towards the inevitable ending but I was very stubborn. I take full accountability for the past two years, I had a choice and by choosing to follow my heart, the first time, meant breaking it too.

The worst part is turning cold to deal with things, thinking it was the easiest solution. I’m  not designed like everyone else, I have known that since I was a child. I have selected a few close friends as confidants because I don’t trust easily and it takes a whole lot of time to recover once hurt; sometimes months and often years.

It seemed as if this year had a switch that turned the color darker and darker, thus, intensifying the emotions inside every single day. It’s horrifying to remember how lonely it felt but the worst is when they say, “It’s okay, you’re strong. You can take the blow.”

It will be a relief for something or someone to take that burden away, for once. Someone who can be a rock for the ice lady, someone who stays. One can only hope for a new chapter next year, but I am too old for such sentimentality. I don’t believe in clean slates or turning on a new leaf, I wish I can say that I do but what’s done is done.

Blue is blue, not red, not green or yellow. It is what it is. What I wish and pray for next year is only acceptance, only that.




The Year that Was

2017 is quite special. It is both the best and the worst, so far.

It is a year full of endings and more endings than I anticipated. There are endings I never wanted, endings that I never expected or wished for,and endings that my heart and soul needed.  I will not tell you a cliche like “endings are beginnings too” because, in all honesty, endings are endings for some people and will never be something more than that.

Today marked a realization that I’m holding on to something that has shipped a long time ago and that I need to let it slip away. There were a lot of unanswered questions and doors that have not been fully closed but it does not matter. After all, people have ways of forgetting the story that made who and what you are right now.

I was never one hundred percent sure of all my decisions and the past few days made me think if I made the right one with one specific person. It does not matter now or 20 years from now because the decision has already been made and I’m already living the consequences of that decision.

There is no redemption, no closure, and no peace this year.  There is no turning back the clock or second chances that’s lurking around the corner;There is no sitting down and talking things through over a cup of coffee. This is the best this year can offer. This is it.

The only hope I have in my heart is that next year will bring those three things and start 2018 right.

I’m not only hoping but praying that it will all come together, somehow.

Your Love Never Fails

Anxiety is not something you take lightly. People might see you normal on the outside but the stress, overwhelming fear, tension and worry is quite disabling.

I had this for 2 years, since early 2015 until mid 2017. I just recently gotten over my anxiety with the help of art therapy, nature, support of friends and family and daily prayers.

Psalm 94:18-19 is my go to prayer when I start feeling anxious and fear and stress starts to take over. I’m writing this now because I know 2 out 10 people who seems normal and so put together is going through the same experience I had.

I want to reach out and I want you to know that you’re not alone. I almost lost hope and stopped believing that I can get through an ugly situation but believe me, it gets better. God’s love never fails. Turn to him and trust that he will get you through it. I pray for you, whoever you are and wherever you are. You’re not alone and you’re going to be okay.


There is a silver lining, I can see it now.

I thought when things fell apart I will never see the light. It’s not as clear as I want it to be, it’s still blurry and I don’t think it will ever be crystal clear.

A lot of questions are still unanswered. There are still a lot of things that I don’t understand, part of it is the length of time I spent believing in something I knew deep down was too impossible to happen.

Maybe, people were designed to believe the impossible because these are the things that keeps us going but sometimes these are also the things that breaks our hearts and maybe, that’s okay.

I got tired of wondering and thinking of possibilities because it’s no use at this point. People forget and people expect you to forget. They think it’s easy and maybe for them it is.

They just forget that there are still a few who are wired differently.

I wish I wasn’t but I would be lying if I say I’m like the rest.

All I know is that someday when I least expect it, the wheels are going to turn. What goes around comes back around and I might be lucky enough to see how it goes or maybe, by the time it does, I have already moved on.

Picture taken last 2008 @ Nova Scotia, Canada

Your Grace

I understand now why God made me go through a difficult year, He was reminding me that I needed to renew my spiritual life. I have been away for a long time and was so distracted with a love that only brings pain and sadness, I forget that the only love and acceptance I need is God’s love because He is the only one who can love without conditions.

Psalm‬ ‭34:17-18‬ 

“Is anyone crying for help? GOD is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you’ll find GOD right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”

No matter how broken I am, how grave my sin is, how much of a mess I have made of my life He is always there with open arms. His scars are my reminders that I’m not alone. If I call on him he will be there and he will get never let me stray from his true purpose. He is the only one who can give me a freedom that money can’t buy. My life begins now, I only want to fall in love with Jesus, no one else but Him.

This song says it all-
Grace to Grace

If love endured that ancient cross

How precious is my Savior’s blood

The beauty of heaven wrapped in my shame

The image of love upon death’s frame

If having my heart was worth the pain

What joy could You see beyond the grave

If love found my soul worth dying for

How wonderful, how glorious

My Savior’s scars victorious

My chains are gone, my debt is paid

From death to life and grace to grace

If heaven now owns that vacant tomb

How great is the hope that lives in You

The passion that tore through hell like a rose

The promise that rolled back death and its stone

If freedom is worth the life You raised

Oh where is my sin, where is my shame?

If love paid it all to have my heart

How wonderful, how glorious

My Savior’s scars victorious

My chains are gone, my debt is paid

From death to life and grace to grace

When I see that cross, I see freedom

When I see that grave, I’ll see Jesus

And from death to life, I will sing Your praise

In the wonder of Your grace


Psalm‬ ‭27:7-9

“Listen, GOD, I’m calling at the top of my lungs: “Be good to me! Answer me!” When my heart whispered, “Seek God,” my whole being replied, “I’m seeking him!” Don’t hide from me now! You’ve always been right there for me; don’t turn your back on me now. Don’t throw me out, don’t abandon me; you’ve always kept the door open. “

Lord, Hold Me

“Heaven Knows”

Hold my heart, don’t let it bleed no more
Sometimes forgiveness is like a man at war
God only knows why love is worth the fall
Maybe that’s what makes it love
Maybe that’s what makes it love
I can hear it now, the everlasting sound
Roaring like a lion deep within me
I won’t hold it long, I wasn’t made that strong
Sweet surrender, hold my heart and not let go
I’m letting go
And Heaven knows
I love you so
Hold my heart, don’t let it break like fear
Sometimes a moment feels like a thousand years
God only knows why love is drenched in tears
Maybe that’s what makes it love
Maybe that’s what makes it love
I can hear it now, the everlasting sound
Roaring like a lion deep within me
I won’t hold it long, I wasn’t made that strong
Sweet surrender, hold my heart and not let go
I’m letting go
And Heaven knows
I love you so


Lord God, I know that there is a purpose for everything. You always reveal things in the most unexpected ways. I know now you are teaching me the most important lesson in life. The bible tells the story of it, even after Jesus was born. The real meaning of love. The kind of love that is unselfish and brave.  I want to thank you for letting me go through this and I’m sorry it took 2 years for me to realize you are knocking on my door.

Like you, you let us go and make choices on our own. You make us fall but never left our side. You wait patiently and when we come back you open your arms to welcome us. You loved us without conditions even through our darkest.

I understand it now, that real love is not praying for someone to stay when it’s time for them to go. I have to let go and send them with love in my heart. I have to forgive completely and without fear. Please give me the strength to open my hands and continue to pray for his happiness. Send him my love and may he truly be happy with his new found life.

I’m surrendering everything to you. Please take my heart and hold it in your hands. With your love, I can heal.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Sing Praises, Even When It Hurts

Psalm 69:29-31

I’m hurt and in pain;
Give me space for healing, and mountain air.
Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,
Let me tell his greatness in a prayer of thanks.
For God, this is better than oxen on the altar,
Far better than blue-ribbon bulls.

Lord, come sweep me with your love. Here I am, take my life and use it for your glory. I was lost for a long time but you still you receive me with open arms. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I have sinned and became arrogant, I’m sorry. I kneel before you and asking for your forgiveness. Clean my soul, clean my heart.  

I pray for your healing. Heal my broken heart. You are my fortress, my rock and refuge. I believe that you will heal me. Nothing is impossible with your love. 

My spirit craves for you, Lord. I will not let go until you wrap your arms around me. I will sing your praises until you bless me and forgive me and love me. Only with you can we find happiness. Only with you can we find peace Everything I have, my life, my heart is yours. I surrender. I am yours.


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