Silence

I realized that falling in love with places over and over again makes life more interesting than finding prince charming. I learned that when you spend time when it’s quiet and peaceful, part of you rest. There are days that I don’t read any messages and I don’t speak to anyone and it doesn’t mean I stopped caring but I feel like I’m someone else when I talk to people so I learned to be quiet a lot of times.We are expected to go out for a drink, exchange pleasantries, go through small talks, and if we refuse, people take it negatively. I learned that we have to wear a mask and we smile or we nod because it’s what normal people do but I have been alone long enough to appreciate silence.

Advertisements

Maybe but No

Non-negotiable, such a cruel word.

I used to think that we can always bend the rules and our standards when we love someone but it turns out that I’m completely wrong.

Although, I believe in the idea of compromise and the willingness to adjust, I also strongly believe that we have to have a few things that are completely non-negotiable in any of our relationships, may it be platonic or romantic.

People get so used to saying sorry, that most of the time, we don’t even know if we are saying sorry because we hurt the person or we got caught or pinned down.

We forget the real meaning of why we are apologizing, in the first place. It became normal and a reflex when we hurt someone. The worst part is when we say sorry and then we follow it by the infamous “but”.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, you don’t deserve me, but I’m just so depressed” or “I’m sorry that I said all of those things but if you had not provoked me… ” or “It’s my fault. I’m sorry but if you hadn’t… ”

It’s disappointing.

As I grow older, I have learned that there are things I can tolerate and things I cannot. In all of my relationships, I only require two things -Loyalty and Honesty. Break these and there are no second chances.

I know, some of you might think that it’s cruel and bitter but that is okay. I just think that if we don’t set these non-negotiables, some people will take advantage. A lot of people have the tendency to forget things especially when they hurt someone.

So forgive, as a Christian forgive but keep a certain standard. Standards that people need to meet to deserve you. It’s never cruel to love and respect yourself. It’s never wrong to set boundaries.

Life vs. You

” He is such a loser!”

Eavesdropping is not a hobby but I can’t help overhearing the rants of a 25’ish girl behind my table while I was having my afternoon coffee. I had to laugh because let’s face it, at one point. we made such a hateful comment against someone. Maybe not as blatant as this girl, maybe in the confines of our own room with our bestie on the phone but we all went through this phase, so I pass no judgement but it got me to thinking…

When do we say someone is a winner?

I know that a lot of people would say a lot of cliches like “You’re a winner if you don’t give up.” or “You are a winner when you are content.” and frankly, I am looking for a more substantial answer. Again, I pass no judgement to anyone who thinks so and so are losers. I am more interested in finding out the answer to my question.

For the past few weeks, I watched life pass me by. I scroll through social media and I see that X married Z, Y got engaged to C, M is pregnant, K has a kick ass job that pays really well, B has a girlfriend, A had a promotion, D put up her own business, W went to Canada, U went to Canada, J traveled Europe. So what is it? What makes you a winner?

I have a lot of friends who are earning a lot but their families are broken or they are lonely. I know a lot of women who are in a relationship or married but does not have a career. I have met a lot of women who are pregnant but worries how they can feed the baby in the future. So how do we know that we are winners? Is there a secret recipe? Can we even win against life?

If we are grateful enough can life stop messing us around and actually let us win? If we never give up and just fight, are we winners?

Is there a certain standard that can make us say, “I won, you’re a loser! Suck it.”

I am not an expert on life, I currently suck at living. I win some battles and then lose some. Something good happens and then a few days later something bad. I regret saying “You’re such a loser.” or “He is such a loser.” or “She is a loser.” because at one point in my life, I was a loser.

Honestly, I do not know what makes someone a winner. I guess everyone is both a winner and a loser. Maybe, we should not even be winning against life and we just need to live it.

PLUS SIZE IS A SIZE

Dear old woman who I never knew existed until now,

I am not writing this to rant but because I want to spread a bit of awareness. I never knew you existed until just recently and for someone who I have not seen for over 30 years, you can be very judgmental.  The first time you have seen me, you looked at me so ghastly and said, “No No No. Oh my God! Why are you so fat?.” This was in front of a lot of people. Obviously, you don’t know me too well.

That was one example why I believe wisdom, tact, and maturity does not come with age. I have met a lot of people like you and tried to understand this archaic point of view. So, I jokingly said, “That’s okay, I’m actually very happy.” and that’s when you turned to me and said, “No, you should lose all this weight. Being fat will not make you happy. It’s really bad”. Excuse me for being rude but how dare you but fortunately I have been raised by great parents so I just said, “That’s okay, I’m really happy and I don’t really care what you think” and walked away.

I will probably not see you again until your funeral and the only time I will get to see you is if I’m being dragged by my own parents to pay my respects.

Just so you know, that my size is a size.  Is being fat really the worst thing you can be? Is it worse than being a liar? cheater?

Have you heard of Ashley Graham or Tara Lynn? I bet you don’t.  I also think that you don’t know that plus size has it’s own corner in a lot of department stores and a lot of designers and mainstream clothing line had already embraced the fact that, YES, there are women who are a size 12 or  a 14 or  a 16 and not all can be a size 0 or 2.

Instead of asking, “How are you?” or “So what keeps you busy these days?” or “What’s interesting that you are doing with your life?”, you made a judgement based on appearance and weight. I think you have been living under a rock the past 60 years or you’re just plain stupid.

You don’t know my story or the struggle that I had the past two years. You did not even care to ask what made me who I am today. So, how dare you put someone in a box and expect them to follow your stupid standards.

Let me tell you again that I am happy with the way I am. It might sound defensive but I am happy.  I have fought a lot of darkness to be who I am right now, regardless of my size.

If you had asked the right questions, we might have ended with a great conversation instead of me thinking of ways to avoid talking to you again.

If you had asked then maybe you’d know that I like to paint or go to the beach or discover new things. If you had cared to look way past the body size, then maybe, I could have given you a kiss on the cheek and would have remembered your name instead of  calling you the “old judgmental hag”.

People like you makes the world a bit hard to live in.  People like you who lives in the standards of magazines and the entertainment industry. People like you who can only consider someone beautiful if they are a size 2 or a 4 or a 6. Well, fuck your standards.

Please do me a favor and shut your mouth. I dread the day that you will meet another plus size woman and tell her that she will not be happy if she is fat.  I wish you’d bite your tongue and it bleeds.

Guess what, there are people who are just happy the way they are. I hope you can accept that too.

 

P.S. Here is a picture to remember me by.  Enjoy the remaining days you have. Do something worthwhile.  🙂

 

 

 

 

Positivity

I always believe that the universe will give you something so beautiful, so important, so amazing and it will be easy,spontaneous,and fun. There will be no chasing, no crying, and no confusion. You won’t need to hide it, run from it or keep it a secret. This will not pass you by and it will stay and you will be surprised. You will be certain that this was designd solely for you and it will fit your life like a missing piece. It will be everything you’ve prayed for and more and when it finally comes, it will bring you a certain kind of peace that you have not felt before. The kind of peace that makes you forget the past and what has been or what should have been and what could have been. The timing will be just right. It’s the thing you don’t want but need the most and it will be wonderful. Wait for it. Don’t rush. There is a time for everything in your life. It will knock on your door and when it finally comes, you’ll know.

The Bluest of Blue

Blue is associated with many positive and negative words in psychology but the two that made the most impact  on me this year are the words Trust and Coldness. 

2017 is defined exactly by these two words.

My biggest disappointment is with myself, I did not trust my instinct and paid a price for it. Everyone was saying the same thing, all fingers were pointing towards the inevitable ending but I was very stubborn. I take full accountability for the past two years, I had a choice and by choosing to follow my heart, the first time, meant breaking it too.

The worst part is turning cold to deal with things, thinking it was the easiest solution. I’m  not designed like everyone else, I have known that since I was a child. I have selected a few close friends as confidants because I don’t trust easily and it takes a whole lot of time to recover once hurt; sometimes months and often years.

It seemed as if this year had a switch that turned the color darker and darker, thus, intensifying the emotions inside every single day. It’s horrifying to remember how lonely it felt but the worst is when they say, “It’s okay, you’re strong. You can take the blow.”

It will be a relief for something or someone to take that burden away, for once. Someone who can be a rock for the ice lady, someone who stays. One can only hope for a new chapter next year, but I am too old for such sentimentality. I don’t believe in clean slates or turning on a new leaf, I wish I can say that I do but what’s done is done.

Blue is blue, not red, not green or yellow. It is what it is. What I wish and pray for next year is only acceptance, only that.

 

 

 

The Year that Was

2017 is quite special. It is both the best and the worst, so far.

It is a year full of endings and more endings than I anticipated. There are endings I never wanted, endings that I never expected or wished for,and endings that my heart and soul needed.  I will not tell you a cliche like “endings are beginnings too” because, in all honesty, endings are endings for some people and will never be something more than that.

Today marked a realization that I’m holding on to something that has shipped a long time ago and that I need to let it slip away. There were a lot of unanswered questions and doors that have not been fully closed but it does not matter. After all, people have ways of forgetting the story that made who and what you are right now.

I was never one hundred percent sure of all my decisions and the past few days made me think if I made the right one with one specific person. It does not matter now or 20 years from now because the decision has already been made and I’m already living the consequences of that decision.

There is no redemption, no closure, and no peace this year.  There is no turning back the clock or second chances that’s lurking around the corner;There is no sitting down and talking things through over a cup of coffee. This is the best this year can offer. This is it.

The only hope I have in my heart is that next year will bring those three things and start 2018 right.

I’m not only hoping but praying that it will all come together, somehow.

Your Love Never Fails

Anxiety is not something you take lightly. People might see you normal on the outside but the stress, overwhelming fear, tension and worry is quite disabling.

I had this for 2 years, since early 2015 until mid 2017. I just recently gotten over my anxiety with the help of art therapy, nature, support of friends and family and daily prayers.

Psalm 94:18-19 is my go to prayer when I start feeling anxious and fear and stress starts to take over. I’m writing this now because I know 2 out 10 people who seems normal and so put together is going through the same experience I had.

I want to reach out and I want you to know that you’re not alone. I almost lost hope and stopped believing that I can get through an ugly situation but believe me, it gets better. God’s love never fails. Turn to him and trust that he will get you through it. I pray for you, whoever you are and wherever you are. You’re not alone and you’re going to be okay.

Someday

There is a silver lining, I can see it now.

I thought when things fell apart I will never see the light. It’s not as clear as I want it to be, it’s still blurry and I don’t think it will ever be crystal clear.

A lot of questions are still unanswered. There are still a lot of things that I don’t understand, part of it is the length of time I spent believing in something I knew deep down was too impossible to happen.

Maybe, people were designed to believe the impossible because these are the things that keeps us going but sometimes these are also the things that breaks our hearts and maybe, that’s okay.

I got tired of wondering and thinking of possibilities because it’s no use at this point. People forget and people expect you to forget. They think it’s easy and maybe for them it is.

They just forget that there are still a few who are wired differently.

I wish I wasn’t but I would be lying if I say I’m like the rest.

All I know is that someday when I least expect it, the wheels are going to turn. What goes around comes back around and I might be lucky enough to see how it goes or maybe, by the time it does, I have already moved on.

Picture taken last 2008 @ Nova Scotia, Canada

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑